Cat baptisms and the Aporkalypse

In case you didn’t already hear, the world as we know it is ending on Saturday. Harold Camping and his followers say that God is going to show up and start judging us at some point during the day, and this judging process will go on until October, when God will destroy the planet and all that’s left here.

If it's on a billboard, it must be true.

As blogger Josh Morrissey points out, Harold also said the world was ending in 1994. Whoops! Just because he was wrong once doesn’t mean he’s wrong this time, though. Harold, if you’re reading this, I have a few questions about what to expect on Saturday:

Can I be Raptured because I have been baptized, even though I am not terribly religious? (Also, can Rapture be used as a verb?) The way I am understanding the situation, on Saturday, all the devout Christians will be Raptured. Then, the less-religious baptized will endure fire and brimstone on Earth until they have suffered enough to qualify for Rapturing. Then, in October, everyone that’s left gets wiped out. This does not really seem fair – as I have known devout Christians who are bad people, and I have known non-Christians who are caring, amazing people – but I’m pretty sure Harold’s vision for the future only takes into account how you behaved toward your fellow humans if you’ve been baptized.

Can I get Nermal baptized so if I am Raptured, he can come with me? A Google search for “cat baptism” earlier today only produced this article from The Onion. I am fairly certain that Christian doctrine maintains that animals don’t have souls, so they can’t be baptized, so they can’t go to heaven. (You lied to me, MGM!) Luckily, my friend and neighbor Andrew is Jewish, so I’ve already arranged for Nermal’s care in case I can’t take him with me. The question, “Who will take care of my cat if I am Raptured?” never crossed my mind until I stumbled upon this website. Their introductory video reminds me of those sad SPCA commercials with Sarah McLaughlin, except the animals are sad because their owners are abandoning them for heaven:

Can you tell me God’s estimated time of arrival, Eastern Standard Time? I am supposed to be attending The Aporkalypse 3, the third installment of a semi-annual bacon-themed party, at a friend’s house Saturday evening. (The organizers did not know the world was set to end on May 21st when they scheduled their party that day – strange coincidence!) I have really been looking forward to this event, and I’d appreciate it if I could enjoy a some bacon-wrapped foods and deviled (ha!) eggs before any guests get called up to the great beyond. I believe God is welcome to drop by, if He is into bacon (and who isn’t), though all guests are expected to bring a pork dish, a dessert, or some kind of alcohol.

I think those are the most important questions I have for now, Harold. Hope you can get back to me soon, since…well, you know.

About Meghan Loftus
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One Response to Cat baptisms and the Aporkalypse

  1. Andrew J. says:

    Wait, not only do us chosen people not get to experience rapture, but we’re all going to have to take care of pets for our goy neighbors? Seems like a raw deal to me.

    On the other hand, let me quote Billy Joel: “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, sinners are much more fun…”

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