I have been going to pub trivia on and off for the last six years. I have been on a number of teams – Barely Legal, the Sexy Hamburgers, Hillary Clinton’s Cleavage, Shark-Tooth Necklace, and now, Funky Buttlovin’ – and played in many different bars, but some things never change. Here, the universal truths of pub trivia:
1. The best team names are ones that are embarrassing for the DJ to say. My current teammates and I originally tried to name ourselves “I Like Poop,” but the DJ just shortened it to “Poop” when he read it aloud. Still funny, but not nearly as good.
2. You will always find a reason to criticize the DJ. Honestly, most of them deserve it. I remember an episode of Garfield and Friends in which Jon Arbuckle becomes a disc jockey, much to Garfield’s horror. I did not understand the joke until I started going to pub trivia.
3. There will always be a person on your team who, when you hear the answer to a question you got wrong, will exclaim, “I totally said that!” No one heard. And if someone did, it wouldn’t matter, because no one values the opinion of someone who gets all riled up over pub trivia.
4. If you wager all your points, you will get the last question wrong. If you don’t, you might get it right, but you didn’t wager enough to win anything. I can remember only a handful of occasions in which I emerged from pub trivia victorious. Perhaps my friends and I don’t allocate enough brain space for useless knowledge. Or, perhaps our opponents have no moral issues with cheating via cell phone.
5. You learn interesting things, none of which will come up at pub trivia anywhere ever again. But just in case: The only word in the English language to use each vowel once in reverse alphabetical order is “subcontinental.” You’re welcome.
6. The most memorable moments are those when you were the only person on the team to know the answer to a question. Do you know what the Fraggles on Fraggle Rock called the human world? None of my Funky Buttlovin’ teammates did. (Answer: “Outer Space.”) Also, I bet you – much like the other members of the Sexy Hamburgers – can’t name the original host of Wheel of Fortune.
I am not sure what point I intended to make here, but the one thing I ended up proving is this: I have watched way too much television in my life. Perhaps if my brain were less rotted, this post would have been more profound.